The same thing happened again, again and again. It begins turning to be a habit. During the hot summer nights, to be able to sleep is just a dream which only comes true in the little coolness of the dawn. After a tiring work, it is time to sleep, but impossible.
So last night again, nearly at 3 o'clock a.m. I gave up the idea of sleeping peacefuly for a few hours, and I began to surf the internet. And in my favourite websites, there was a new video on Circassian War and Genocide. I have seen lots of times similiar videos but this time not the video but "I" was really different. Sometimes I was in an anger, sometimes I was happy in victories but at last the sceneries and photographs of exile began to appear through the end of video. Then there was just only a feeling; a great and different varieties of sadness.
I was not in the war, I didn't lose anybody in that war, my brothers, mother and father or grandfather, none of them were dead in that war. That war didn't happen in my town or city where I live now. I didn't hear the crying voices of little children or their mothers. There wasn't blood on my arms. I wasn't wounded or dead. I even can't speak their language. And it didn't happen yesterday, or last week or year. But, although these are facts, there is also another fact which is the deep feeling of sadness I have. So I realized that I was not only watching the video but also I was living in it. The great sadness can not be described.
But these were the feelings I felt while just watching a video which lasts approximately 15 minutes. What about our ancestors who really lived in these wars, who really saw the lost of their relatives, friends, houses, towns, country .. and everything they had had during long years. Can their anger and sadness and that big misery be described with any words in any language?
And is it possible to be able watch such kind of videos without tears?
Which one shows the weakness of my soul as a Circassian; having tears on your eyes while watching a video or maybe sometimes listening an old songs or not?
With my best wishes and in great sadness,